I Was Afraid To Have Fun

Is Suffering & Hardship Leading Your Life

Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to have fun.

Paddle boarding for the sake of being on the water without a worry of exercise or how long I’d be out on the bay, made me smile.

Midway through the basin, I realized I was happy. It wasn’t from a screen or a dopamine hit from shopping for gifts or an icey margarita. Maybe for the first time since the summer of 2023, I felt amazing.

From under my sternum, I let out a smile. Can happiness come from within a section of the body, I think I finally felt that.

Moving from one milestone to another, engagement, marriage, my own health issues, my family’s health scares and caregiving all had me moving through life without noticing any emotions in my body.

Often, as I read books about divine feminine or ways to calm the nervous system to reclaim joy, I did no exactly know what that meant.

My past self would’ve rolled her eyes at that.

I was taught long ago (or I realized my generation knew), that work had to be hard. That you earn rest only after massive suffering even to the point of illness, cue my annual bronchitis or a migraine. I measured fun and pleasure as a task list robotically coming into a time to execute a plan.

I would fit in play time and scramble to schedule fun like a project.

I was treating everything like work, even fun.

For decades, I’d trained myself to measure days in output and hours in productivity. Somewhere I stopped asking, “What would feel good?” and started asking, “What gets me ahead?”

For all of that micromanaging my life down to when I had fun, I stopped having any.

I burned out. I got frustrated and put way too much pressure on easy moments. I forgot what made me laugh until my stomach hurt, I forgot to taste my food or look at my dinner dates or really read the menu for what would be nourishing.

I didn’t think I deserved to feel the weight of a laugh, the sweetness of a smile.

I had to be tough, even at parties, celebrations and events.

Many issues recent deaths or near deaths for close friends and family was a big wake up call to stop feeling pressure all of the time. Letting joy filter into my life is amazing.

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What helped soften into a life of pleasure and fun might help you, too.

From: Work has To Be Hard to What Can I Learn.

When I assumed getting things done had to be tough, I instantly put on my boxing gloves. This is great on wall street but horrible for my nervous system. Today, I realize being in flow can also accomplish a lot. My mindset on tough or complex days is “what can do to learn something about a person, place, thing or project.”

From: That’s Not on My Calendar to Saying ‘yes’ when My Brain Screams No.

The invitation, the spontaneous plans are instigated by many around me, the “come outside and look at this sunset”, “let’s grab a drink on the deck”, “let’s hit tennis balls’’ or “take a post dinner walk.” Up until 2023, my default is to decline. I’ve learned, the conversations, the laughter, the fun hides in the unplanned.

From: Working Constantly to Taking Real Extended Breaks

I used to believe that slowing down meant falling behind. Breaks felt indulgent, like I was stealing time from progress when the world only pays you on keeping up. Forget the payment, I want more fun in the mix.

But here’s what I’ve learned: true rest isn’t time lost—it’s time invested. When I step away, my brain doesn’t shut off; it resets. Ideas reorder themselves. Creativity resurfaces. Perspective sharpens.

Breaks are not the opposite of ambition—they’re what sustain it. And the moment I started honoring them, I stopped running on empty and started moving with intention.

That day on the paddle board, I got a flicker of fun I can’t resiste—the who’d get lost in a book on a sunny lawn chair, who didn’t care how she looked when she jumped off a dock, the one who made up games in the pool for adults and kids.

I want more of her.

So here’s what I’m trying now—what are you trying?

It’s not perfect. Some days I still slip back into “earn it first.” But I’m starting to see: fun isn’t what happens after life—it is life.

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